Happy Holidays!

So you know those letters that everyone sends out about everything they do during the year and how their children all got scholarships to Harvard except for the one who is at Julliard and how their pets win obedience championships and everyone got a promotion and they are spending the holidays skiing in Switzerland? Yeah, we don't send those either. Because it's the holidays and also Child 2's birthday, I don't really feel like blogging. I mean, I spent all evening making traditional birthday pudding, so I'm tired. What, you don't have birthday pudding? Well you should because it looks like this and it is almost better than a brownie.

Ok, mine didn't look like that because I don't have a striped towel in Thanksgiving colors draped artistically over the placemat because the birthday candle might make that a fire hazard, but you get the idea.

Anyway, the children gave me permission to post our annual Christmas letter on the blog, so here it is! Along with our annual family photo. Happy New Year!

Reasons we never send out Christmas letters anymore:

Jen has jet lag from her recent China trip.
Husband is on his iPad and isn’t paying attention.
Child 1 is never home, even when she’s “home” for Christmas break.
Child 2 is whining about how everyone else has nicer Christmas cards.
Child 3 won’t participate because we called her spoiled.
Nobody is ever happy with what we write about them.
Nobody has a better idea for this letter.

Happy Holidays and stuff,
Some of the Sudweeks Family

That's not how a food coma should go

You will all be happy to know that Lille Jul Aften went off successfully, even though no one got invited until the day before. Apparently, we didn't sound out invitations. And by "we" I mean anyone who was in the United States and could have very easily invited people but waited until I got home from China. That would include everyone in the family except Child 3 who invited someone months ago who actually remembered and came. The food was all gluten free and completely delicious. It was not, however, dairy-free and I am paying for it dearly. Presents almost didn't get wrapped. Good thing I hardly bought anything this year.

Somebody seriously explain to me why Christmas has to come around every single year? Except for the decorating part which I love, and the rice pudding game, I really could do without the whole thing, especially the wrapping presents part. Because the deep, dark secret is that I suck at wrapping. Really. I hate it and I can never get the wrapping to look like I want. Somehow, no matter how hard I try, it ends up looking like this.


Child 3 is an awesome wrapper. She gets it from Husband who all but measures his paper with a ruler. I throw everything I can into bags and what doesn't fit is what get's wrapped. This year, I was using very cute Santa paper and no matter how hard I tried, I always cut it crooked. When I was finally almost out of paper, I realized, it was printed crooked! Totally unfair. I mean, how is a wrapping challenged person supposed to be able to make a gift look decent if you can't follow the lines when you cut? Anyway, it's done, so I'm going to bed.

But before I fall asleep, which will be around 3 am because I'm still not over jet lag, I just have to brag about one thing--I got an award! I know! I can't believe it either! An actual award for actual work that I actually did and it's framed and everything! I totally didn't see it coming because I wasn't actually there to receive it. I was in China, but when I came back, there it was! I seriously almost cried and now I will love my supervisor forever, because as you know, I never, ever get awards. The only downside is that this year, I won't have the excuse of no award to buy myself some new shoes. Don't worry, though, I'm sure something else will not happen so I'll need consoling in the form of maybe cowboy boots.

So macadamia nuts are delicious, not quite better than a brownie, but the honey roasted ones come close. However, throwing a temper fit over how they are served to you and interrupting an international flight because you don't like that they are not on a plate is not, repeat not better than a brownie. And the fact that you do it because your dad is the owner of the airline is no excuse. I mean, come on Ms. Cho, what is so offensive about this?

I mean, it's a lovely shade of blue, and there is even a notch so you can actually open it. If she was offended by the meal service, maybe she should talk to the owner of the airline. Oh, wait. But seriously, her conduct was the most offensive thing about the whole incident and maybe after she is arrested she will learn some manners. The good thing, though, is that macadamia nuts are now very popular in Korea, which is good for the growers in Hawaii. Just don't eat all the nuts before I get some more honey roasted ones. Those are seriously yummy! I don't even need a plate, I'll just open the bag and pour them straight in my mouth. Bad manners, maybe, but it doesn't involve purposely humiliating anyone so it's a step up from Ms. Cho's behavior.

So Merry Christmas! And to all a good night, or probably morning because jet lag. Ugh.

Home with the lights on

I made it back from China. It was a fun trip, but as suspected, I was not able to connect to Blogger, thus no blogging for three weeks. It was odd having all that time to myself with nothing to do in the evenings and no responsibilities. OK, it wasn't odd at all, it was amazing! Think about it. Three weeks with no homework, no dishes, no cooking, no vacuuming, no grocery shopping, and only laundry for one person. I had so much time on my hands I got foot massages twice a week. And at breakfast in the morning, they brought me peppermint tea without my even having to ask. Frankly, if I hadn't missed Husband and the children so much, I would never have wanted to leave. The problem is that when you are actually posted overseas and not just there temporarily, you don't get to live in the Marriott and there is still a lot of laundry. And homework.

However, there were drawbacks to being in China during the winter. First, it was really hard to breathe at times. I bought a mask, but it said "comfort mask" on the box which I suspect meant it didn't do much. And it was freezing and windy, and I'm not exaggerating about the freezing part. On the warmest day there, it only got up to 37 Fahrenheit. And besides not being able to connect to facebook, or Google, or Instagram, my iPod, which was the only electronic item I brought with me, has a new feature. It turns itself on and starts playing 80s music all by itself. Apparently, somebody in China has a thing for INX, Phil Collins, and Rick Astley. I'm not complaining, OK, I'm complaining a little bit, but it was a little disconcerting once when I wanted to skip forward to another song and then it started playing backwards until it got to the beginning of the song that someone else wanted to hear which was "You'll Be in My Heart" from Tarzan. Um, no you won't be in my heart, Mr. Selfish iPod Monitor. You missed that boat when you kept playing One Direction over and over. This is the problem of sharing your playlist with the whole family. At least he didn't like Miley Cyrus.

The very first thing I did when I got home, after hugging the children almost to death  and posting a status on facebook, was fix the Christmas tree. I left Husband with one job for Christmas. One job! Which was to take care of the tree since the awesome delivery place no longer delivers and I didn't have time to get one before I left. So he did actually get a tree at Home Depot and did actually start to decorate it with Child 1. But then they thought it didn't look right, so they gave up. And when I came home after flying straight for 14 hours, the tree that greeted me looked like this.

Which is not what I had in mind at all. So before going to bed, I fixed it. Yes, I stayed up for almost 40 hours straight so I could make my Christmas tree look more festive because that is how much of a micro-manager I am about the holidays. So now the tree looks like this.

So now is all as it should be and it finally feels like Christmas. I don't know why, but the version of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" that they played at the Dirt Market over and over and over again just didn't do it for me. But the tree and being with my family all under one roof does. Now I just have to wrap the billions of gifts I brought back from China. Does cellophane packaging count as wrapping? This year it might just have to. The tree took every last ounce of energy I had.

And by the way, the gluten-free buttery marshmallowy Chex-mix my friend "Lydia" made for me is almost better than a brownie, and in fact, might be the best dessert I've eaten in years. She is an awesome friend and extremely thoughtful, and those kind of friends are definitely better that brownies.

Going dark

I am at the airport on my way to China for three weeks. It still seems odd that I am the one always leaving while Husband stays behind. He is in charge og Christmas this year and we're all a little afraid. The amazing Christmas tree place that delivers isn't delivering this year, so he has to get the tree himself. See why we're nervous? Get it and decorate it. So, he is chickening out and waiting until Child 3 gets home from Hawaii because she will pick a good tree.

Then the only thing left is the presents some of which I can get in China. The children helpfully made lists and hung them on the front door. Chil 3's list says things like boots, lots of boots and I can never have too many scarves! Child 2, on the other hand, filled up her list with things that never existed in real life! Seriously! Totally made up in her head!

Now, granted, some of them are good ideas.  A Totoro beanbag chair is a great idea, but I can't buy what doesn't exist. So she won't be getting much from her list. Child 1 doesn't have a list. She keeps sending me messages saying just get me this one thing for Christmas and that's all I want. And then that one thing changes so I can't figure out if she wants the last one thing or the first. I suspect it's really all the thing that she wants,  but she can't fit all the things in her suitcase, so we'll see.

All I want is to get back home to Husband and the children in time for Christmas. That's it, really. And some jewelry. Ok, lots of jewelry which is why I'm happy to be going to China.

I don't think I'll be able to blog from China. If I can, I'll post something. Chinese internet censorship is definitely not better than a brownie. But foot massages are which is why that's the very first thing I'm going to do. Right after I buy some pearls.

There is no other hand

So since slicing off the top of my right thumb wasn't bad enough, I decided it would be a good idea to spill boiling water on my left hand and give myself a second degree burn on Tuesday. I mean, what do I need hands for, anyway? You know, it's not like my favorite holiday is this week and my friend and her kids are coming over and I have lots to cook. Nah. No big deal.

But in case you are wondering, here is a list of things that it is really, really hard to do without hands.

1. Wash your hair.
2. Chop onions.
3. Put the leash on The Dog.
4. Open a letter.
5. Open a door with a round knob.
6. Open anything.
7. Trim your bangs.

Yeah, I really shouldn't have tried that last one. Maybe no one in China will notice how crooked they are. They kind of look exactly like this.

Today, for a change, I thought it might be fun to have some frat boy "doctor" stick needles into my neck and dig around for tissue. Yep, thyroid biopsy time. It went well, but they forgot to tell me how much my neck would hurt afterward. I'm not worried that they found anything because the doctors were very chatty. See, there is that moment when you get diagnosed with something bad where everyone who was all friendly and talking to you before suddenly stops talking to you and goes silent when they see the bad thing. And then you know that the thing you were afraid of is what is happening. It happened to me during the ultrasound before I lost the baby, and again when I was misdiagnosed with cancer that I didn't have. But today, the only moment that made my heart stop a little was when the very young and inexperienced "doctor" at the teaching hospital put in the needle and the attending surgeon said it was a good thing he had used anesthetic first because that was a bad angle. Um, maybe that's why my neck hurts so much? They chatted the whole time and talked to me a lot while upside down. See, when you get a thyroid biopsy, your head is hanging down off the end of the bed and everything is upside down. So I'm fairly certain I will never recognize frat boy doctor again, unless I can see the underside of his chin. It was fairly bizarre. But it's over and I'm very happy about that. I wonder if they noticed my crooked bangs.

A real, working Ebola vaccine would be way, way better than a brownie. Apparently, NIH is close to having one. They say they still have a ways to go, but that would be so amazing! Go NIH! Then maybe idiot governors of small states where no one has ever had Ebola will stop panicking and persecuting courageous health care workers who volunteer to go save people they don't know. Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. Totally unimpressed by the fear mongering. Thousands of people dying from preventable diseases, yet tax money gets spent on imprisoning a nurse for fear she might spread a disease she never had. That's a wise use of public funds, that is. Ugh.

Not the kind that's like a guitar.

So the good news is that Husband is home and I made incredibly delicious roast beef for dinner. The bad news is that I can't get the bleeding to stop and I might need stitches. Stupid mandolin! So no more typing because I'm supposed to be holding my throbbing thumb over my head. Slicing off the top of your thumb is NOT better than a brownie, in case you were confused about that.

Confusic of the night

Husband is on the way home. He made his flight, so we can only hope he makes his connection in Chicago. Seriously, I think it was the travel office's goal to put him on as many planes as possible on this trip. 10 different airlines and about 18 flights. Thankfully, the travel gods smiled on my next trip and I have a direct flight non-stop to China. Yippee!

But anyway, he'll be home soon and then I will leave. And then Child 1 will come home and then I will come home and then it will be Christmas. This month will go by very fast. Faster even because I won't have to go to the longest Christmas concert ever. Seriously, why are the high school band concerts so dang long! Although if Child 2's performance tonight is any indication, it will be an amazing concert. Tonight was the final performance of Phantom of the Opera and Child 2 was the lead clarinet and had a solo. She was fab. She is a very talented musician and I am happy to take all the credit. OK, Husband played the tuba, but I'm the one who steered her toward the clarinet and I was so right! She is terrific. And so was the play. But I still don't understand it.

I saw Phantom 25 years ago in London and I still don't get it. Is the Phantom really that old? Why did he murder those two guys? And the chandelier falls and no one gets hurt. So why is the chandelier such a big deal? It's confusing. Also why is there a lake in the bottom of the Paris Opera? And fog. Where did the fog come from? There isn't fog in the bottom of the Department, and we are located in Foggy Bottom.

Child 2 is rubbing off on me because now I'm writing puns. Knowing that Child 1 misses me is better than a brownie. And finally, happy birthday to Artemis. I hope it is wonderful and I wish I could help you celebrate.