The price for paradise is no Chipotle

Child 1 is all moved into her dorm and I am back from Hawaii after a looong and sleepless plane ride with no food. Yes, I did bring my own, but gluten-free options that are shelf stable and that you can take on a plane are slim to none in Hawaii and it is hard to subsist on pop-chips and nuts for 10 hours. Seriously why does United not offer gluten-free lunch items for purchase? You wouldn't even have to call them gluten-free--just call them Paleo or something and offer cheese and grapes. I don't do well with diary, either, but at about 6 hours into the flight, I would have taken it over the nothing I had.

Anyway, Hawaii, as you expect was wonderful. I had forgotten how delicious the ocean is there. It was the perfect temperature and not cloudy at all and so wonderful I never wanted to get out. I mean, just look at it!

We had a lot of fun going to the beach almost daily, which is super easy when it is outside your back door. But one thing I wasn't prepared for was how far away everything was going to be. It took hours to get to Target or Wal-Mart and back and I also did not know how many times we were going to have to go to Target. Because even with checking four suitcases, we still did not have enough stuff, and also you can't fit a big fan in a suitcase and since people in Hawaii don't believe in air conditioning  you need a fan.

I know you are wondering what people in Hawaii have against people being comfortable and the answer is I have no idea. They say things like "you don't need air conditioning here." And "it's not that hot." Well, if you can survive 90 degrees and 100% humidity with no breeze, then you are Hawaiian, which I am not and neither is Child 1 and she didn't sleep very well until we got that fan. Also, if you have child who is addicted to burrito bowls at Chipotle, please tell her before you get to Hawaii that there are not any Chipotle restaurants on her island because apparently if you don't tell her beforehand, then the lack of any of her favorite restaurants becomes your fault entirely. However, the fact that Forever 21 is literally next door to the Cheesecake Factory makes up for that a little bit, especially if you buy her lots of harem pants to wear to class. Harem pants are the new yoga pants apparently.

I am jet lagged, so I am going to bed now, but I can tell you for certain that Matsumoto's shave ice is definitely better than a brownie and completely worth the hype. I know because we went twice. Serious deliciousness in a paper cone. And completely gluten-free.

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, repeat

Child 1 is leaving. We're packing her suitcases and The Dog is all sad and mopey. The Dog gets sad and mopey whenever she sees suitcases. I suppose she's not as stupid as we think. Last weekend when Husband and I went to North Carolina for his friend's wedding, The Dog was extremely mopey and puzzled but the children stayed home with her so it was alright.

Speaking of the wedding, apparently dancing with glo-sticks is a real thing and not just on TLC on all those wedding shows. Also, since Husband's friend served with him in Afghanistan, there was a lot of reminiscing and some talk of the explosion. Husband says he doesn't have PTSD, but I must because I had to get up and leave in order not to start sobbing right there at the table. I haven't felt like that in a long, long time. I like these friends a lot, so somehow I have to figure out how to hang out with them and not burst out into tears at the first mention of explosions and dust and guns.

But back to Child 1, she. is. leaving. me! For this:

I know. I don't blame her either. If you remember, I was routing for Hawaii all along. But now that it's actually happening, I'm extremely sad. Preparing for this day for 18 years doesn't help any, in case you were wondering. It still feels like someone is peeling my skin off bit by bit. I don't like it. I do realize that my job as a mother is to ensure that the children grow up and launch successfully into the world, but now that point in time has arrived, I can't help but wish it had taken a little longer. Someone at work asked me if I could have any superpower in the world, what would it be and I didn't hesitate a second before replying "stopping time."

There was a movie on TV a long time ago called "The Girl, the Gold Watch, and Everything." I'm sure it was an awful movie, but since I saw it as a kid, I thought it was awesome. It had that girl from "Mork & Mindy" in it.

Anyway, this watch could actually stop time for everyone but you. So you could just halt time and do what you wanted, and while in the movie they used it to make money, I would use it just to look at the children for as long as I wanted without them saying to stop staring at them and what is wrong with me and is there something the matter with their hair?

There is nothing wrong with their hair. The only thing wrong is that they are growing up and I'm not a fan of that.

So you know what else is not better than a brownie? Bees. In your ceiling. 50,000 of them.

Now, I am allergic to bees. They are a big enough problem for me that my allergist prescribed an epi-pen that I am supposed to carry around in case I get stung. So I think I would, no, I know I would have noticed if there were 50,000 of them living in the ceiling of my apartment. But apparently this woman in Queens did not. Not the constant humming or the smell of honey which must have been strong because beekeepers removed 17 huge honeycombs. So here's to you, Bee Queen, for not letting a few bees bother you. If you had been Child 2, you would have screamed at the top of your lungs every time you saw one and that nice farm in upstate NY would not have 50,000 new residents. Really. The bees were sent to a big farm with a lovely meadow where they can play all day. At least that is what they told the lady in Queens.

Lazybones

I'm blogging on my iPod because I just can't be bothered to turn on my computer. I'm working on 3 hours of sleep. I keep having nightmares about bidding. Because bidding is a nightmare. Really. So now in addition to fixing problems in Africa that I didn't create, I get to beg people to give me a job. Ugh.

And The Dog injured her back, so now we have to carry her up and down the stairs. And she is one fat dog, and doesn't like to be carried, so you can imagine how much fun that is. The children are already arguing about who has to carry The Dog. The only good thing is that she is in too much pain to go in my closet and eat my shoes. 

So you know what is not better than a brownie? A tick that makes you allergic to meat. Yep. There is a bug that can bite you and make you have an allergic reaction the next time you have a piece of bacon. It's only a matter of time. Who wants to start a pool? I'll put 10 bucks on May 2015. Because all I really have left is bacon and it would be just like fate to take that away, too.

Dinner with Cougars

So I got an email last week that asked me to take a cougar to lunch. It literally said "Take a Cougar to Lunch" in the subject line, which threw me for a bit. But it's a little less risque if you know that my college mascot is the Cougars and this was the Alumni Association asking me to take a student to lunch to tell him all about my job because he was in DC and is interested in the Foreign Service. So being a dutiful Alumna, I invited him and his wife over for dinner because I don't have time to eat lunch. There is a lot happening in Africa at the moment. Last week, my boss's boss's boss actually gave me until 3:30 on Thursday to fix Africa. OK, not the whole continent, but this one issue, and I did. I actually made a plan to fix it that was finished by 3:30 on Thursday and people liked it and are following it! I know. I was totally surprised, too. Why 3:30?

But anyway, I had this student and his wife (don't judge, he's in a graduate program) over for dinner to tell them about the Foreign Service and we ate Korean food which I cooked because you cannot get good Korean food that is gluten free at a Korean restaurant. I know. I tried last week and it was rather a disaster and Child 3 and I ate unseasoned chicken and rice while everyone else ate delicious Korean barbecue. So anyway, after working all day to fix Africa, I rushed home, ran to the international market down the street, bought a bunch of Asian food including beef and pickled radishes and rice cakes and we regaled this young couple with tales of life in the Foreign Service. He seems rather keen and she seems a little reluctant. However, I think she was reassured by our "normal" children who ate the rice cakes and talked about how much they loved China, and seemed very smart and cosmopolitan. We totally fooled them!

Here is a picture of the pickled radishes which Child 2 is apparently addicted to. Also we had mango. Oh how I love fresh mango!

I know you are wondering why I would invite some stranger over with his wife and cook them food on a weeknight when I am tired from fixing Africa. (OK, you PCers. That is a joke. I can't fix anything and there are large parts of Africa that are just fine. And I really love Africa so stop judging.) But the reason is that when I was a newlywed and Husband and I lived in Armpit, Asia and it tried to kill me, there was a nice Foreign Service couple who had us over for dinner and fixed us something with jasmine rice and I couldn't get over how delicious that rice was. And they were nice to us just because they were nice people and I have always wanted to return the favor. So I did. And also we discovered peanut butter rice cakes, so it was a win for everyone.

You know what is better than a brownie? A good laugh, in public if possible. Emma Watson obviously agrees.

You see, there is a really not very bright politician in Turkey who said that women should save their sense of humor for their private lives and it isn't modest to laugh in public. So Ms. Watson posted this picture of herself on Instagram. So thank you, Emma, for standing up for women by laughing and thank you to the women of Turkey who have posted their laughing selves at this hashtag: #direnkahkaha. You are all inspiration to me. Now I'm going to go have a good belly laugh with the children, just because we can. After we finish the peanut butter rice cakes.

Things I didn't know

There are lots of things I don't know, but here are some things I learned over the past couple of weeks.

1. You can have a migraine for 5 days straight and it won't kill you, although you might wish at times that it would.
2. You can get lost in your own neighborhood when your head hurts so much that it feels like an ice pick is trying to push its way out through your eye-brow.
3. You should not drive when there are ice picks in your head.
4. Although our townhouse only has three bedrooms, it can sleep 13.
5. The Dog doesn't like it when there are 8 extra people sleeping in our house.
6. It is really hard to plan dinners for 13 people when you have ice picks in your head.
7. Gabrielle is even more awesome than you know, because without even knowing about the ice picks, she made dessert for 17 people (the 13 plus her family of four) AND she made it gluten free AND without dairy AND no chocolate! AND it was from scratch!
8. I hate bidding.

OK. That last one I knew already, but you might not know that it is now bidding season again in the Foreign Service and I have to once again beg people all around the world to give me a job. It, in a word, sucks. If I believed that my migraines were caused by stress, then I might believe that bidding might be the cause of my five days of ice picks. It is frustrating beyond belief for someone who reads the end of the book first and likes to know what she's getting for Christmas before she opens the gifts. I hate surprises and I don't like suspense. And now I'm facing three months of uncertainty before I find out what my future will be, and, by the way, I have no say. OK, I have some say, but the say I have is in not bidding on the places I don't want to go. So I am not going to bid on anywhere that has recently blown up or doesn't have a high school for the children or that requires learning a really hard language that can only be used at that post. (Yes, I'm talking about you, Hungary!) I don't have anything against Hungary, but I will never ever be assigned to Hungary because it is nice and I am a "fair share" bidder.

Oh, you don't know what "fair share" bidders are? Well, it's when the Department tells you that all the places you have served are too nice and you have to bid on places like Ecoliland or Ickystan, or somewhere else that no one else ever wants to go. And you have to have the majority of your bids be these places. You see, because having Husband almost blown up in Afghanistan apparently does not count. So I am "fair share." But here is the thing, Gods of Bidding, I only ever bid on Ecoliland and Ickystan, and Armpitia! And you never assign me there! So just for once, please smile on me and give me and Husband both jobs in Ecoliland. And please don't make me beg anymore. It's making my head hurt.

You know what is not better than a brownie? Road rage. However, what happened to this driver is almost brownie-worthy. You see, he was in a rage and got out of his car while stopped at a red light to bang on another driver's window. Except he was a little drunk and when he got out of the car, he forgot to put it in park, and when the other drove away, his own car ran over him. So here's to you, Mr. Rager, for taking care of your own punishment for bad behavior. And here's to the Florida police for also charging him with a DUI.

Oops! Didn't mean to push publish you stupid computer!

I am in the house alone. Children 2 & 3 are at camp with Husband and Child 1 is out somewhere with friends I don't know, so it's just me and The Dog. Yep. The Dog is still here and she still drives me crazy. She hasn't eaten my shoes for a while and she's stopped pooping on the carpet, mostly because I think the children actually walk her daily. But she is still always under my feet and someday she will break my ankle. Granted, it's not that hard to break my ankle, but still. When I trip over her and fall and break something, I will totally blame The Dog.

Caroline and I went to dinner tonight to celebrate the fact that I was on my own. OK, really it was just an excuse to eat really yummy Vietnamese food and chat, but it was fun. I have this new favorite Vietnamese place. I order the same thing every time because I know it doesn't have soy sauce and it won't make me sick. The staff are really good about checking with me on what I can and can't eat. The prices are reasonable, and the food is delicious! Tonight we tried the Vietnamese version of Baked Alaska called a winter roll. Basically it's a deep-fried spring roll with frozen yogurt and fruit in the middle. It was awesome and delicious and the wrapper was made from rice, so I could totally eat it. I made a big mess, but Caroline said that was the only way to eat such a delicious dessert. And also "fried" is a food group and it had fruit so it was healthy!

It would be awesome with mango and banana. I need a deep fryer.

No really. I've been thinking about this for a long time. I know they start fires and I know that fried foods are supposed to be unhealthy, but I can't have the fast food versions of things like french fries because a lot of them use wheat flour to make them crispy, and I can't eat egg rolls because they are also made with wheat, and you have to deep fry egg rolls and fries, and fried chicken, so I need a deep fryer. Now, if only I can find a way to keep The Dog from tripping me and knocking it over.

You know what is better than a brownie? Buying pizzas for your passengers when your flight is delayed.

That's what a pilot for Frontier Airlines did when they had to land in Cheyenne and wait for weather to clear over Denver. I know you are wonder why I am applauding pizza buying when I can't eat pizza, but sometimes it is the thought that counts. Thoughts won't make your stomach stop growling, but it will make you like an airline a little better. United and Delta, you're on notice! I bet no one from Frontier Airlines demands to see your medical records when you ask for a gluten-free meal. Yeah. That actually happened. United customer service sucks.

You kids get off my lawn!

I love the Smithsonian Folklife Festival. It's where I used to go to pretend I was traveling to countries I never thought I would go see. And then I joined the Foreign Service and saw lots of places I had never dreamed of going. But I still love the festival. So this year,  Husband and I made the children come with us because it is China and Kenya. And we thought it would be fun. Doesn't this look like fun?

Oh, were we so wrong. Apparently, if you have lived in China, it is not fun to go see things and people from China at the Smithsonian Folklife Festival. And apparently  you also need to say things to your parents like this is the lamest thing ever and why are we even here, and we lived this already so why do we need to see it again. And if your mother travels to Africa regularly and brings back souvenirs  you are also too cool to care about Kenya. Because apparently all African countries are the same. That is until your mother mentions that bidding season is coming and if you really don't want to live in Africa. . . .

Yes, I used the carrot of actually seeing things in real life to get them excited about seeing things in real life right in front of them. I know, it's confusing, but they are teenagers, so it is getting harder and harder to emotionally manipulate them into doing what I want without whining. So we looked at all the stuff from Kenya, and then they ate Chinese food. Because they lived in China and they love Chinese food. Really, someone needs to make charts about how to understand teenagers. And please make them not look like this.

The National Park Service also doesn't understand teenagers and that the Folklife Festival may be the only way to get some teenagers to the Smithsonian and the National Mall. They actually believe that the grass is more important than bringing people together so the Smithsonian has started a petition on Change.org. I know you are thinking that "they" are the same organization and I did too, but we were wrong. And so is the National Park Service. So I signed this petition here: http://savethefestival.org/. Because even though the children complained bitterly about me dragging them to the festival, they still ate every bite of the mango-tapioca-coconut dessert. There should always be a couple of weeks every year where you can get yummy desserts on the National Mall.

This Buzzfeed list about hide and seek is way better than a brownie. Child 2 was the worst ever at hide and seek when she was little. She would call out not to look in the bathroom because she was hiding in the shower.  And she was just as bad at seeking as she was at hiding. Husband once stood in the middle of the living room holding a lamp and she didn't find him. Granted, she was four, so she's improved since then. But back then, she was about as good as this kid.

I have never laughed so hard during a game in my life. We loved it. I hope someday she has a child who is just as terrible and just as trusting.