Curse you stupid computer!

So my computer really, really stinks. I have no control over it any more. I turns itself on after I turn it off. It randomly blocks the internet, and the keys all stick. The first two things I'm pretty sure are a result of me buying it while we were in China. The last one, however, I'm pretty sure comes from one of the children eating something sticky and spilling it on the keyboard. Ugh. I would buy a new one, but since all of my money is going toward keeping Child 1 in Hawaii, I'm a little cash poor at the moment. So China, if you could just let me buy things off Amazon and post on my blog, I will be very grateful. I've run the virus scanning software a billion times and I can't find anything, so I assume it is either a very sophisticated program or I just have a crappy computer. It very well could be that last one.

And of course, the promotion panel looked at my EERs, shook the Magic 8 ball they use to determine promotability, and it said ask again later. So no promotion this year. And I would buy myself shoes as compensation, but Child 3 stole my Nikes, took them to school for gym, and promptly got them stolen out of her locker because they were awesome Nikes which of course they don't make anymore. So instead of lovely I didn't get an award or promoted shoes, I get to buy gym shoes for me. This was not my favorite week at all. I would much rather buy these boots than a stupid pair of Nikes.

However, at least I don't have Ebola. Now, just in case you think the government isn't doing anything to combat Ebola, you are wrong. Very wrong, because it's pretty much all we talked about this week, especially for people who work with West Africa like I do. There is a lot going on and a lot happening, but like all good works, that's not as newsworthy as pointing out what we did wrong. I mean, how many times did it make the news when crazy people didn't break into the White House? (Although, seriously Secret Service? You should hire The Dog and then no one will ever get through the front door again, not even the President because The Dog still hates men. Although the First Lady and Daughters won't have any problems. It's a thought. I will totally volunteer to lend her to you if you like.)

Another good news story that no one is talking about is how Nigeria completely stopped Ebola in it's tracks and totally crushed their outbreak.

I know you are thinking why isn't anyone telling Dallas authorities to ask Nigeria for help, and that is an excellent question. Because we are talking about a country that has much more limited resources than we do and yet they took action immediately and limited what could have been an exponential growth to 20 cases and completely shut. the whole thing. down. So all you people in Texas who are panicking, seriously start thinking about visiting Nigeria because they got this. And I am truly impressed, especially since I'm visiting there in two weeks. I'll let you all know just how strict their screening process is when I get back. Having Ebola eradicated from an entire country is way better than a brownie, just in case you were wondering. Way to go Nigeria!

Aujourd'hui est Mardi

I am doing a lot of French homework lately, or as we say in French, devoir! Normally, French would be very useful for me because I travel to Francophone Africa a lot, and as you know, I love it. I love the food, and the people, and the officers at the embassies that I've worked with, and the animals, and the experience of L'Afrique. Remember that giraffe that I got as change in the Congo? So I do spend some time before each trip brushing up on my bad college French so that I can follow conversations and nod in all the right places. But my next trip is not to L'Afrique, but to Allemagne, which if you speak French you know is Germany and they do not speak French there. They speak this:

What you may not know, or may have forgotten, or perhaps I never really mentioned it, is that I did at one time speak German, and at one time, I was fluent and probably could have told you what this said, but now all I can make out is that it's the 25th of March, 1763. Because after I lived in Austria and got pretty fluent, then came the Norwegian and then French and finally Cantonese and Mandarin and now I can't say anything at all in German, but I can understand the news on TV. So I am trying out a new "Learn to speak German" app on my phone and we'll see if it is helpful. Really, all I need to be able to do is order from a menu, which I think I can do, and then ask if it is gluten-free which I am certain I cannot. So I have some brushing up to do. Geben Sie mir hilfen!

You know what is not better than a brownie? Crimped hair, which I hear is making a comeback. Supposedly, it was on the runway for Stella McCartney, who has excellent taste and also good sense, which makes her an extraordinary designer. But the problem isn't that models on the runways may have crimped ponytails. The problem is that if you give some people a crimping iron, this happens.

I do love feathers, especially when poking out of a hat, but not when it's my hair. And red crimped hair = feathers. So designers, please, I'm begging. No crimping! Women are not birds and we should not have hair that makes us look like owls. Or eyebrows like Vulcans for that matter. So not flattering.

Mmm. Butterbeer.

Child 2 got her braces off last week, so this week I took her to a candy store to celebrate by buying her a bunch candy she couldn't eat with braces. And we didn't just go to any candy store, we went to the candy store of your dreams. The one that you always imagined existed but had never seen anywhere but in the movies. We went to this store.

Yes, it was the candy store of our imagination and our lives will never be the same now that we know there is a place you can go in the mall to buy butterbeer. Yep. They sell chocolate frogs, too. The girls loved it and Child 2 had a great time eating the taffy and lollipops she couldn't have before when the braces were on. Admittedly, it wasn't as fun for me since most of what there is in the candy store is chocolate. And oh the chocolate! Every delicious brand you can think of was in there, including Milka which is my very favorite. It was a Willy Wonka dream of a store and I couldn't eat a thing. I can, however, drink the butterbeer because it is both gluten and dairy free. Yay!

We Skyped with Child 3 over dinner today. We propped her up on the table so we could talk with her while we were eating. It felt a little cruel because she couldn't join in, but she thought it was great and wants to do it again next week. I think she misses me mostly for the food. We can talk and chat on facebook about the other stuff, but she can't eat pot roast over Skype. I now have a list of about 10 dishes she wants to make over Christmas that she misses at school. She also made me promise that we could have Thanksgiving dinner at Christmas so she could have it, too. I told her that's fine, but I'm still making it at Thanksgiving. We still don't know where we'll be next year and this may be our last opportunity to have a proper Thanksgiving dinner at home with all the trimmings. And since my stuffing is the most awesome stuffing you will ever eat, twice a year is fine by me.

It's Milan fashion week again which means fun for bloggers! And of course, there are lots of things that are not better than a brownie. Like these boots, for instance.

Now, I love a good pair of boots as much as the next person, but these are nothing like a good pair of boots. First of all, how do you get them on? Second of all, if you look closely, you can see that the little hinges poke out all over. So you would stab yourself in the thigh ever time you crossed your legs. And because they are so high up your thigh, you couldn't even really sit down in them. Can you imagine what they would do to your car upholstery? Not to mention an office chair would lose the battle every time. Thanks anyway, but I can't afford to reimburse the federal government for a chair that I destroyed by wearing crazy boots.

In which I come up with bad excuses not to help with dinner

I'm not hungry.
I don't want to.
SHE never has to help.
I'm playing with The Dog.
I'm tired.
I have homework.
We're having that? Count me out!
I hate tomatoes/pasta/fish/whatever that is.
I helped yesterday.
Why do I always have to?
I am wearing a band aid.
My life sucks. I'm going to my room.
I'm practicing my instrument.
But Cake Boss is on!
I think I have a fever.
Is this cough contagious?

And here are the answers.

Doesn't matter.
I don't care.
Yes she does.
Go wash your hands.
You can nap later.
You, always have homework.
Nope, you're in.
Eat around them.
Me, too.
Because it's what we do.
Then rip it off.
Alright, but after you set the table.
You can play dinner music after you're finished.
There is a tv in the kitchen!
Nice try but you don't.
Only if pretend illnesses are catching.

See? I've heard them all and have an answer for every one. Wanna keep playing?

Just so you know, stomach pain is not better than a brownie.

Crossing the Rubicon

So I have homework again. And it is really awful stupid homework which I have already done more than once and one time was three years ago. See, Child 2 is taking AP government and is reading the Federalist Papers. Now, I love James Madison as much as anyone, especially because Dolley was just awesome. This is a woman who loves to accessorize, and also knows the value of a Gilbert Stuart portrait. I think I have those same pearls!

The problem with James Madison, though, is that he writes in 18th century academic English and he takes forever to get to the point. Seriously, Pres. Madison, could you just state at the beginning of each paper what your point is so I don't have to read the rest? Because I read them in college, and then again in grad school, and then again with Child 1. So now I'm really really hoping that we get overseas before Child 3 has to take AP American Government or I will lose my mind.

I have a question for you. Say you auditioned for a part in a play, or commercial, or whatever, and there were twice as many actors auditioning as there are parts. And say someone you know whom you believe is not as good of an actor as you also auditioned and they got a part and you didn't. Would you call up the director and ask why you didn't get the part when the other person did and complain that everyone said they were shocked that you didn't and bug the director until she wants to reach into the phone and strangle you and then you cry and say you were only trying to be "proactive"? No? Yeah, well someone in the Department thought that would be a spiffy kind of strategy and I had to sit on a phone call and reassure that fine officer that no, it wasn't personal, and perhaps another time they could get what they want. Except, I was lying. See, it wasn't personal when I made the decision, (and no, Child 2, the Department does not put on plays, I'm just not saying what the thing really was that I was deciding) but it sure as heck is personal now because that was not a fun phone call and I didn't enjoy it one bit. It was the kind of phone call where when you hang up, everyone in earshot says oh my goodness what was that about!

I explained very carefully to the officer that many times in the Foreign Service you will not get what you want and it is not a good idea to call people up and badger them about why. I also suggested that perhaps before making such a call, it would be a good idea to run that by your supervisor. Sometimes supervisors will head you off from committing career suicide before you reach the cliff. But in this case, the officer did talk to the supervisor who promised to call me and try to make me change my mind and then never did. It wouldn't have worked anyway, because as the children will tell you, once I make up my mind, I do not change it and whining never ever works. Ever. Really. Never ever. Sometimes I would look at the whining child and ask if she was whining. She would say yes. Then I would ask if that ever worked. And she would say no. Then I'd say well why are you still whining! This strategy occasionally worked. Sometimes I would also say talk in a big girl voice because I don't speak whining. And then I would ignore the whining until it stopped. I have said for years that being a Mom makes me a better Foreign Service Officer because it taught me how to say no firmly but nicely. To be fair, I haven't had to use those lines on the children in years. And I suppose it's a human reaction to want to know why something didn't go the way you wanted it to. But it is not a good idea to whine about it to anyone but your closest friends. Or people who read your blog. It's OK to complain to them. But not the decision makers. Not ever. And also, I got to decide something!

You know what is better than a brownie? A dog being rescued by a manatee. No, really. That is a dog trying to climb out of a river, and that is the manatee who guarded him all night.

A little humanity shown by non-humans is just what I needed today. However, if that were The Dog, she would have tried to eat the manatee. Do manatees taste better than shoes? We will never know.

Ugh! I so don't want to use my brain tonight!

So my computer is self destructing. It is having issues which means I have to dig deep into my brain to pull out computer stuff that I used to know and make it reconnect to the internet and stay connected. See, don't know if I mentioned that back in the day, I worked for a very famous software company. Today, if I mentioned the name of that company to Child 1 she would say what is that? But back in the day it had enough money to send everyone to Hawaii for a Christmas bonus. I, of course, was hired shortly after the bonus was given and then the next year, we got beach towels and frisbees instead. But I do know something about computers and they are not completely foreign to me. So when I talk to computer support people at work, I get a little impatient with them when they treat me like I'm an old lady that only knows how to play Solitaire. I am old, and I'm a lady, but I'm also a former geek, so leave me alone! Anyway, I made it work so now I am blogging. See what lengths I am willing to go for you, Child 1? I am actually thinking.

Except now I can't remember what I was going to blog about. Not bidding. I still hate bidding. Not The Dog vomiting all over the carpet because that was so not very much fun. Not the Assistant Secretary who popped into my cubicle this morning to ask how I was. That made my heart stop for a second and thank goodness I was writing an e-mail at the time and not goofing around with my office mates. Nope. Whatever it was, it's gone. I'm too tired to think of something else and I have to help Child 3 with her French homework. Maybe it was about how much I hate doing homework when I don't have any? Ugh.

OK, here is the part where I confess that I used to watch the Miss America pageant religiously. Not because I loved it, but because, um, I liked to make fun of the contestants. I know! You are thinking why didn't I do this on my blog? And the answer is because I am trying to be a better person, not a person who is better at snark. So I haven't watched it in years and also it's not on prime time and who has time to channel surf looking for a beauty pageant? Now, I am determined to not watch it ever again, because in addition to destroying the ozone layer with their hairspray cans, the Miss America pageant is also a big fat liar! (And yes, one last snarky comment about a fat Miss America, but in this case I'm talking about the organization.) And lying about how much money you give to women scholars is not better than a brownie in any way. So in addition to not being able to create world peace in a 20 second sound bite, they also can't count. To the Miss America Organization, $45 million is not the same as $4 million. Maybe you should make passing mathematics a prerequisite to entering the competition. I am glad I stopped watching you years ago. Instead, I will donate a scholarship to my own female student (Child 1) which is called "paying for my daughter's education." She will not need to parade around in a swimsuit and be given a number score to receive it. She only needs to call me every once in a while and say she loves me. Which she totally did twice today. OK, one was a text, but still. I miss her.

Heart. Is. Breaking. Sob!

Migraine again this morning. Seriously, I need to start counting the days that I don't have a headache. They are getting to be fewer and fewer. Surprisingly, OK actually not surprising at all, I didn't have a single migraine the entire time I was in Hawaii, despite being in the sun all the time. I drank a lot of water and juice and diet Pepsi so that might have helped, but it is extremely stressful setting your daughter up for college so far away, yet not. one. migraine. Huh. So maybe I need to just chuck it all and go to a place that is sunny and lovely and I'm happy being there every minute. Oh yeah. I have to pay for the college in Hawaii. So I'll just have to suck it up and deal with the constant stress and commuting and headaches and whatever. I so want to go back to Hawaii!

So today we went on the most epic shopping trip to the grocery store ever! According to Child 3. What we did is we went to Target and bought groceries. But apparently if those groceries include things like pumpkin spice chips for making cookies and maple frosting, it is epic. I told Child 2 that yes, since she got her braces off she could buy Jolly Ranchers and she said I was the most awesome mom ever and the woman standing near us in the aisle said wow she wished her kids felt that way. And I told her that apparently letting your children buy candy is the key and she laughed. But I wasn't really kidding. I am totally willing to buy their love with a $2.50 bag of candy if that is all it takes.

So then we got home and Child 3 was bored so she decorated the house and now it looks like Halloween threw up in our living room. There are ghosts and streamers and bats and cauldrons and pumpkins everywhere. I had forgotten we have this much stuff. But she is happy about the way it looks. I just hope people don't trip over the pumpkins on the stairs. Maybe we should move them before I break my ankle again? At least we don't have this many.

For dinner, I drove out to our old stomping grounds to meet the other moms from Child 1's playgroup when she was a baby. Two of them made it and we all commiserated about how hard it was to send our babies off to college. Except that their daughter's are both going to schools that are less than a day's drive away and mine is on the other side of the world. Yes, I know you are thinking that it is my own fault but I am not the one who put Hawaii in the middle of the Pacific Ocean because geography!

Then finally, we Skyped with Child 1 and it was so hard not to be able to reach through the computer to give her a big kiss. She is doing well and is having a lot of fun, making friends and finally admits that being from Virginia is kind of cool and she misses it. Ha! So, Skyping with family members on the other side of the world is better than a brownie, and so are the gluten free sugar cookies with maple frosting that we are making tomorrow. At least I hope they will be.